


Prove it. Stay.

by Argos_3



Category: The Last of Us
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, F/F, Hurt/Comfort, M for description of violence, Post-Canon, TLOU part 2 spoilers, TLOU2 spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-23
Updated: 2020-06-30
Packaged: 2021-03-03 19:41:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,890
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24880972
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Argos_3/pseuds/Argos_3
Summary: Dina let Ellie go, she had to. But what happens when she comes back? After the hell Ellie fights her way through in Santa Barbara, she returns home with one question in mind.
Relationships: Dina & Ellie (The Last of Us), Dina/Ellie (The Last of Us)
Comments: 38
Kudos: 574





	1. Return

**Author's Note:**

> Dina's POV was an unplanned choice for me, but I guess I'm more like her personality-wise anyway. I hope it comes across good. Tried to keep the dialogue to minimal, just how in the game it was, but I don't have world class actors performing this for you. I had to include bigger chunks of explanation that could have been handled with a glance in game. I tried my best to stay faithful to the story. Enjoy.
> 
> Wrote it listening to: Crooked Still - "Ecstasy" (Instrumental Edit)

I step away from the kitchen sink, drying my hand with a towel. This is done. Now, to get JJ's dirty laundry... 

Just when I'm about to head upstairs I hear a knock on the front door. Could it be Jesse’s dad? Did he forget to bring something with them for JJ’s walk? 

I stroll back to the main entrance, but when I open the big wooden door, there’s no one in the doorway. I look around the street, surprised, but there’s nobody near. After two more glances I close it, a feeling lurking at the back of my mind that someone’s watching me.

\------------

_Knock knock knock._ Two days pass since the mystery visit when I hear the same knock again. I know it’s the same, because most people who come knocking introduce themselves loudly, so we know it’s okay to let them in.  
I jog toward the door and rip it open. Nobody. I look around again, but find nothing. 

Except, when I step out to have a better view, my foot gets caught in something and I jump away in fear. I shouldn’t have, it’s only a dead rabbit. No note, nothing with it, just the animal. 

I look around again, my eyes narrowing as I take the bunny, inching back into the house. I look at the rabbit. It was killed with one clean shot. I wonder who did it and why the hell would they bring it to my doorstep. It doesn't make sense. 

I head to the kitchen to clean it. JJ’s laughter fills the room from the dining table as I get to work. 

\------------ 

It’s the middle of the night. I haven’t been sleeping very well since the rabbit incident, not sure whether I feel worried or just overly curios about the mystery of it all. Asking around about it in town didn’t lead anywhere, nobody knows a thing and saw no one near the house. 

I hear a thud from downstairs. Then three very quiet knocks. 

I get out of my bed as fast as I can, trying not to wake the still blissfully sleeping toddler next to me. 

My feet are light on the stairs as I sprint down. I grab the door handle with such force it might as well come off. It doesn’t, though, and when I look to the street I see a figure’s back, heading away from my house. 

"Hey!" I say, not really yelling, because I don’t want to wake anybody, but loud enough so that the stranger hears it. "Stop." They stop, but don’t turn around, so I add, "Who are you?" 

Maybe on some subconscious level I already know. I just don’t let myself even form the thought. It would be too painful, for six months I kept searching for her face everywhere and it broke my heart every time. So for the last four months I just stopped looking. Stopped thinking. I just stopped, everything except for living and caring for JJ. He was all that mattered to me now, and I shut myself off to anything else. She was not coming back. 

Except, the dark figure turns around now, and there she is. Ellie. _My Ellie._ I feel like the last breath I took in is stuck in my lungs and I can’t take another. I just stare. Am I dreaming? 

"Hi Dina," I hear her voice. It’s hoarse, and low and raw, but there’s a warmth in it that fills my chest with intense relief. 

"Ellie?" My voice is nothing but a whisper. 

She walks towards me, stops short a few feet and crouches down to pick something up from the ground. It’s a wooden rattle, looks ugly, handmade. She hands it to me. "For JJ." 

I don’t know what to do, or say. I feel so many things right now that I’m physically unable to focus on one emotion only. I need time to process this.  
My hand mindlessly accepts the toy and I step away from the door, gesturing her to come inside. She hesitates for a second, but then heads in. 

It’s weird, seeing Ellie in this house’s kitchen. I remember the times we would cook or dance in the farm’s, just laughing and kissing. That feels like a lifetime ago. 

I turn on the lights and turn to look at her again. She’s skinnier than I remember, her clothes are ragged and somewhat dirty. Her skin still has remnants of a sunburn from some time ago. Her auburn hair is a bit longer. Her eyes more tired, but less sad. I don’t know what to make of any of it. 

We stand in silence for a long time. It seems none of us knows what to say, or where to start. I clear my throat. We have to start somewhere.  
"Was that you, knocking on the door a week ago?" She nods slowly. "And the rabbit?" Nods again. I don’t feel like this is going anywhere and I’m getting frustrated. "Why?" My voice is harsher than I intend it to be, but I can’t help but feel upset. And hurt. She’s been in town for a whole week and she didn’t tell me? What the hell happened to her this last year? 

She looks down at her feet, like she does when she’s nervous. "I wasn’t sure you would want to see me again." 

"You wasn’t sure…" I breathe, but can’t repeat the whole sentence. She’s such an idiot, I swear. "What happened in Santa Barbara, Ellie?" I’m not sure I’d want to hear the details, but I have to know. She is alive, and she is back in Jackson. Which means, Abby must be dead. 

She just stands there, still with her backpack on, looking so goddam tired. I walk to her, around her and ease it off her back. I pull out a chair and gently make her take a seat. She’s fidgeting with her hands in her lap and she looks at me with the saddest expression. _Please forgive me_ I can read it on her face. I’m just not sure what she wants me to forgive, exactly. 

"I finished it," she says, and her voice cracks a little. 

Two conflicting feelings hit me with that at the same time. I feel relieved that she finally got what she was after for so long. It was everything that kept her going after Joel’s death, and she wanted it so bad. I’m glad for her sake she got it.  
On the other hand, my heart is breaking for her. I recall the morning after our first kiss, that shy, awkward girl who stood next to me at the kids' playground. She went through hell over and over again, and never stopped going, and I can’t help but wonder how much of herself she had to sacrifice to be able to come out on the other side of it all. Yes, she did it. But what did that cost her. 

Before I can ponder on this more, she speaks again, her voice firmer this time and she’s looking me deep in the eyes. Her expression is full of conviction and resolve.  
"I let her go." For a second it doesn’t even make sense to me. "I didn’t kill Abby. I let her leave." 

I just stare at her. I must have heard that wrong. "You... You left us to kill her." 

She nods again. This time the pleading look returns to her eyes. "I did." 

"And you found her in Santa Barbara." 

"I found her in Santa Barbara." She takes a deep breath in and holds it in for a long moment before exhaling. "I found her tied to a pole by some fucked up militia group by the coast. She was already close to being dead. I didn’t care, though. I cut her down. I was ready. To end it, to end _her_..." She pauses for a second, the huffs without emotion. "But get this, she didn’t even care how or why I was there. She ran to this kid… the kid who was with her in Seattle too. She grabbed him, held him, tried escaping with him… but I stopped her." 

I just listen in silence, trying to imagine the scene. Ellie, bloodied and barely standing, towering over the lifeless body of the person she hated the most in the world. It doesn’t make sense. "Then how… how is she still alive?" 

Tears are gathering in my eyes, but I can see that Ellie is already crying silently. In the dim half-light of the room I almost don’t even see it, but her moist voice gives her away. She's almost grinding her teeth as she says, "I cut her. I punched her. I pushed my switchblade into her torso. I was… choking her. And drowning her. I could see the life leaving her body as I held her down under. And I…" She closes her eyes, and I can see her fists clenching. "I let her go. I told her to leave. And she got into her boat with the kid, and left." 

I remain silent. There is no use in me asking the why part again. 

Her eyes open and the girl looking at me now is broken. Broken, but relieved. I can feel my own chest get lighter, like a weight was lifted off of it finally. A pressure that had been there since the moment I found Ellie, Tommy… and Joel’s lifeless body in that damn house. 

"I have… so many things to tell you about Joel. About our time together. There are a lot of things… important things you’ll need to know to understand this. But… for now… just know that he did something unforgiveable. To me." My eyes widen in shock, as I always saw how Ellie meant the world to Joel. "He never hurt me," she says quickly when she sees my expression. "He just made a choice for me that I… I didn’t think I could ever forgive. But then… The night before it… happened. I talked to him, you know? I went to his porch and we talked. And I was… I felt ready. To start to forgive. To at least try to. What he did was wrong and unforgivable, and I was still ready to try." 

I nod, not fully understanding what happened exactly, but getting the sense that her emotions that night are more important that the facts. My urge to hug her grows stronger by the second. 

"I remembered that when I was trying to kill Abby. I recalled how Joel said he’d do it all over again. How sometimes you just do something because you believe in your right to do it. Because of love. Because of hate. Or revenge… and the cycle goes on and on, and everyone who gets caught in it suffers." She glances at me now, real hurt radiating from her. "Abby was once me. She was once Joel. And I became the Abby in so many people’s story because of what I thought was my right to do. Dina, what if I killed her there and then? Would I feel any better? I don’t think I would. I think I would feel less. It wouldn’t bring him back. It wouldn't give me the power to let him know that I forgive him. I chose to let them go, so I can let go. I don’t know… it’s too complicated to say it right…" 

She mumbles those last words, but I get it. As much as I will ever be able to understand it. "Ellie…" 

"I came to your house," she cuts me off quickly. Her hunched posture straightens and she leans to the back of her chair slowly. "First thing after I arrived in Jackson. I went to the farm before, but there was nothing there… just my stuff." 

I swallow hard. I had to leave them there, I couldn’t carry the possibility of her one day returning when I knew what she was facing. There was a good chance I was never going to see her again. I couldn’t live with the hope surrounding me everywhere I look. I couldn’t have bear the pain, and I had to. For JJ. "I…" 

"I left them there, too. Everything." She stands up now and instinctively I want to stop her from leaving. I catch myself before reacting in any way, though. "I came here. I figured you’d be living with Jesse’s parents, or they’d know where you are at least." 

"They live next door now," I answer mindlessly. "They made me move back after… you left. Said it wasn’t safe for me or the baby to live alone so far away from everybody." 

"I guess they were right." 

Silence. 

"You were not there when I opened the door," I whisper. I don’t want to mean it as a call-out, but it is what happened. 

She turns to look out the window with her back to me and stays silent for a long time. I let her gather her thoughts. "As I said, I wasn’t sure you’d want me back. I know I wouldn’t deserve it. I… chickened out. I ran away. I was going to leave for good." 

Even the possibility of that now makes my chest pang with such force it almost knocks the wind out of me. Why would she ever think about doing that? Ellie. _Oh Ellie._

"I ran into the woods and wanted to keep going. But my legs wouldn’t let me. I camped there for the night. And then another. Somehow my legs knew not to put more distance in between us again. But I just couldn’t…" Her voice trails off, like whatever she was afraid of is so terrifying that she’s afraid saying it would make it a reality. 

I stand up and step to her side. Not close, just five feet away, yet sensing her at arm’s reach makes my whole body feel like a magnet. I can feel my atoms being pulled to hers. The craving in my fingertips to trace her skin again. My lips to kiss hers again. My body to be wrapped up in hers again. It’s strong and intoxicating after such a long time, but I stop and keep my distance. "You couldn’t – what?" 

Ellie turns slightly to look at me from the corner of her eye. Her voice is so thin and quiet I can barely make out what she’s saying. "I wouldn’t have anything left to live for." 

And I get it. If she came here and I were furious with her, and slammed the door in her face, she would have been lost. Like I was when she left… No, that’s not true. I had JJ. And a town of people that cared for me. She has… nothing.  
Swallowing hard is the best thing I can do, but it does nothing to calm me down anymore. 

"And the rabbit?" I ask, don’t even know why. She looks down again. 

"I didn’t know what else to give. I have nothing. I can’t give myself if you don’t want me. I didn’t know what else to do." 

If I didn’t want her. 

I just can’t listen to this anymore. She chose her revenge over me, and broke my heart and left me, and all I want to do this second is to hug her and kiss her and never, ever let her go again. So, that’s what I do. 

I quickly close the distance between us and wrap my arms around her shoulders. I burry my face in the crook of her neck and squeeze her so tightly I might break all of my bones in the process. I don’t care, though. Not the second she hugs me back. It takes her a surprised second and I can’t blame her. But then she’s holding me just as tightly and I feel whole again. No, not yet. I break our embrace a little to be able to capture her lips with mine. It’s messy and raw, I can feel the salt form her tears, or maybe mine too, because I’m sobbing at this point. I can feel her whole body shaking against mine. I kiss her again. And again. She bites my lip by accident and I can feel the copper taste on my tongue, but I kiss her again. And now I feel whole. 

For a long time we don’t stop, maybe afraid that if we do, we never get to do this again. Who knows, that might be true. Maybe that’s why even after getting too breathless to continue, we remain in the hug, foreheads pressed to each other’s. Our tears ran out, my skin is soaked and it’s getting uncomfortably pinched by the saltiness. But I don’t care. I can feel her. In my arms, with my forehead, my whole body… I think this is the first moment I actually let myself believe that Ellie is really back. She is here. And she’s done with her vendetta. No matter what, I won’t let her leave my side again. She can feel all the guilt in the world about what she’s done to me, but I won’t let her punish herself more over it. Compared to what she had to forgive with Joel, or Abby, this seems so irrelevant and tiny. But it’s important that I acknowledge it, that I say it, and that I mean it. 

"I forgive you. For everything. And I’m so... so glad, that you’re back." 

Her lips quiver and she whimpers a little, and I kiss her cheek. Her hands, that were resting on my hips until now slide up, tracing my side lightly and cup my face gently as she guides our faces for the gentlest peck on the lips. I burry myself in the feeling, but something is off. I pull away and slowly reach up to her left hand. As I take it in mine and pull it down to inspect it, I can see now what felt off. Two digits on her pinky and ring finger are missing. I can feel myself getting sick. Oh no. "Ellie..." 

She pulls away, if I didn't know better I'd say she's embarrassed. A million things could have happened to her to cause that, but somehow it's written all over her face. "Did... did Abby do this?" 

A small nod is all the response she gives. I can feel her pulling away from me, physically and emotionally. "Hey," I step towards her and take back her hand, kissing the scarred digits a few times. "What happened, happened. Don't look back anymore." 

The smallest of smiles tugs at the corner of her mouth. "I will try my best not to. I will... try to make it up to you. All of it." 

I shake my head. "It's okay. You don't have to." 

"But I want to. If... you want me to stay." 

I have to smile now, and it's full of my inability to believe how big of an idiot my Ellie is. I guide her damaged hand to my chest. I put it onto my heart. 

"Once you told me you loved me." 

"I still love you," she says quickly. My smile widens. 

"Then prove it. _Stay._ " 

And now when she says she will, and kisses me deeply again, and I get lost it the feeling that maybe, just maybe, this time everything will be okay for once... I believe her. 


	2. Memories

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ellie and Dina struggle to find their new normal. Memories can be haunting. They can be healing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I listened to "Lone Pilgrim" by Crooked Still, and "Take on me" preformed by Ashley Johnson while writing this.

I can’t sit still. I’ve been doing every work in and around the house I could think of, but it’s way past sunset and I’m still alone in the house. 

Ellie said that she would go on a stroll in town this morning, and she would get some ingredients I needed to make lunch. She said she would be back in a couple of hours. She hasn’t returned since and all afternoon my stomach has been sinking lower and lower, a devilish voice in the back of my mind whispering to me, saying she’s gone again. No.. she isn’t. I know she isn’t. But… then where on earth is she?!

I walk to the backdoor and whistle, waiting to see if the Jack Russell terrier that likes to stroll around town during the night is lurking here for some extra food. For a long time, there’s nothing. Then I see him trekking to my porch, wiggling his tail in anticipation. 

“Hey Henry,” I scratch behind his ear and pat his side, still half staring into space as I look around in the dark. 

Even though Jesse’s parents were uncompromising about the fact that we had to move back to Jackson with JJ, I dug my heels in to not living in the middle of the town. They offered me theirs when I said I wanted a house closer to the wall surrounding it. One where there was more space and it’d be the closest thing I could make to the farm house. The dream I once had, until I was forced to wake up. 

The cold wind is the only sound that sometimes moves the bushes and leaves around. I sigh and pet Henry again.

“Wait here buddy. I’ll get you something to chew on.”

My feet bring me back to the kitchen, but my mind is elsewhere while I collect some of the scrap meat left from the deer we ate yesterday. Where the hell is she…?

When I open the backdoor again, I gasp when I see the dog in company. _Ellie._

She’s crouched down and is holding her hand out so Henry can smell her. She’s cautious. I don’t see any emotions on her face, but then again, it’s really dark. As the door creaks open her head snaps up and the sudden move makes the dog back away from her. She stands slowly. 

I can’t help but let the initial relief of seeing her again get overshadowed by anger. Why does she have to keep doing this? Didn’t she say just yesterday that she would try to make it up to me? If this was her way of doing that, I might not want it after all. That thought hurts more than anything. 

I don’t say anything, just cross my arms in front of my chest and try to make it as clear as possible with my expression that I want an explanation. She looks down at her feet. 

“You’re angry with me,” she says quietly. I don’t reply. “I knew you would be. You have every right to.”

I don’t want to hear this. I want to know where she was, and why. It’s hard to stay quiet but I only hold my chin higher and stand my ground. 

“I went to the butcher. I did. I didn’t lie to you.”

“And you spent the whole day chatting with Roger there? Ellie!” I snap against my best efforts. 

She winches at my outburst and I regret it to some extent. 

“I… I went to get the meat and then I thought… it wouldn’t hurt to look around a little. To see what’s changed and what hasn’t. I was wrong. I did hurt.”

That gives me a pause. What? She kneels down on one knee now and tries to get Henry to approach her again with success. He lets her scratch his head and even wiggles his tail a little. Like this, I can’t see Ellie’s face behind the flocks of her hair.

“Everywhere I looked I saw him. It was too much, I… To see not just a memory of him, but the life I had before… Before I became... this…” She gestures to herself broadly, as if to say _‘whatever this is’_. 

“You are still you, Ellie,” I say as I take the steps down from the porch to her side. Even to me it sounds more like a prayer than stating facts. 

“I don’t think that’s true. I’m a version of myself that I don’t recognize…” Her eyes are still glued to the dog and I think it’s for the best. Seeing her face while hearing those words might be enough for me to cry again. “I think something broke inside of me, or disappeared. I’m… I feel different here, but the place hasn’t changed. It’s me, Dina, _I_ changed. I don’t think I can go back to being the same person I was before…” 

I’m glad she talks so openly about it. And I want to be the support she needs to figure this mess out. That’s exactly why she’ll never know how much the things she says scare me. I’m going to be strong for her, I have to be.

“What do you feel when you look at me?” I ask as I crouch down next to her. Henry instinctively finds the meat in my hands and I give it to him. Ellie finally looks up at me. She’s so goddam exhausted. Those black circles don’t seem to disappear from beneath her eyes anymore. I try to give her an encouraging smile, but I’m sure it seems more pitiful that I intent it to be. “Just say whatever you feel. Go on, try it.”

She thinks for a second. “I don’t know.”

“For someone who has written songs and poems, you sure struggle with words sometimes,” I try to joke, but I’m not sure I should have.

A pause. 

“Love,” Ellie breaths the word. “Warmth. Whatever the equivalent of ‘home’ is as a feeling. Belonging, I guess.” She sighs. Her eyes fall again to the ground. “And I feel shame. Regret. I feel that I betrayed your trust to save myself, and I even failed to do that too…”

“Hey, stop that,” I put a hand on her back. Slowly start rubbing it, pulling her closer. “Focus on that first part. The warmth. That good feeling that fills you up with strength and purpose. You want to know my secret?” I wait until I feel her shrug. “That feeling. That’s what I cling to every day. When we were living on the farm and you thought I was doing fine, I wasn’t. But your smile and JJ’s laughter pulled me through my darkest moments. I can help you do that now, if you let me.”

She only frowns in response. “I don’t know if that’s enough. I spent so long not having any of that in my life. I think there are parts of me that are permanently darkened and there’s nothing we can do to change that.”

I don’t like it one bit that she talks like that. Like she’s trying to convince me to give up on her. 

“Nothing is ever that cut and dry, Ellie.”

Her shaking head responds to that with disbelief, and I realize I have to give her more. I wish I knew what the best thing to say was. Maybe it’s not the best, but an idea forms in my mind. 

“You know… After you left, for weeks – hell, months – I tried my best to keep your memory alive. Even if I knew it wasn’t healthy. I felt I had to. And with every passing day I could feel it fade. First, I couldn’t remember your scent. Then it was the way you talked. But what really broke me was when I couldn’t recall your laughter anymore. I held onto that the longest. But after some time, when I tried to hear it in my mind, there was nothing. Just a void.” I swallow, but my throat feels dry. “I spent so much time just existing. I thought I lost my ability to really feel… anything. With Jesse dead… and you gone… JJ was the only thing that kept me alive.” Finally, her eyes find mine again. I’m sure she can see my honesty in them, but I give her a sad smile to accompany my confession. I don’t say this to make her feel worse. “I wasn’t broken, or devastated, or lost… Well, maybe I was, but I didn’t feel any of it. I was just numb. For a whole year, and it never changed. Not until you showed up at my door. Ellie, I don’t think you’ll ever know what that felt like. I could suddenly breathe again. I felt such a fucking enormous relief. You fucking jump started my heart again, you dumbass.” I shove her gently and let out the shortest laugh. She blinks at me, confused. But maybe there’s a hint of a smile on her face as well. “I don’t know how what you did changed you. But I know how you coming back changed me. And I can hope, because of that, that maybe being here can change you again, for the better. You might not go back to being the same person you were before, but I don’t think anyone can… Still, you might become something else. And I can be here for you if your demons from those dark corners come out again. I just need one thing in return.”

Ellie knits her eyebrows, and I know what she’s thinking. What if I want something from her that she can’t give? But I know she can.

“Smile.”

I know it must take an enormous effort from her part, but she does. A little forced, but it’s there. I keep our eyes locked to help her, and smile back.

“Kiss me.”

She does, just gently and shortly. Her smile becomes a bit more honest. I take her face with my hands and just look at her for a long minute.

“I love you.”

And there it is. The warmth fills her expression and I can feel it radiating from me too. 

“I just need you to stay. And to try. I will be here, and I will not give up on you. I just need you to not give up on yourself, and us, either. You think you can do that?”

Ellie nods, and I can see why she’s speechless. Her eyes sparkle with tears and I wipe away the one that against her best efforts, escapes. 

An unexpected push from the side catches me off balance, and I tumble on top of her as Henry nudges me for more food. 

“Henry!” I scold him and try to push him away, but my motions are quickly halted when I hear a sound that makes my whole chest tighten. It’s Ellie. She’s _laughing_. Not the old kind, when she would throw her head back and hold her stomach as it was bursting out of her. It’s more of a giggle now, only coming from her lungs and her whole body isn’t in it. But the smile reaches her eyes. The sentiment is there. And it’s not fake, or forced - she means it. Suddenly, I love that dog so fucking much.

Unfortunately, she sobers soon enough when I stare at her. I kiss her, just to try and let her know how much this means to me.

It takes us a couple of minutes to get up afterwards. Her shoulders looks less tense as she walks next to me back to the house.

“Whose dog is this fella anyway?” Ellie asks when we enter the kitchen again. “Yours?”

“Oh, no, I don’t have any animals here,” I say and quickly shoo the doggo out when he tries to come in. “It’s the Johnsons' dog. Henry.”

“Hi Henry,” she waves at the door as he jogs away from us, knowing he wouldn’t get any more snacks. Ellie looks around in the room, visibly trying to say something, but then shakes her head a little and looks at me. “Is JJ asleep?” 

“Probably. He’s spending tonight at Jesse’s parents next door.” To her arched eyebrow I sigh, knowing what she thinks. “I didn’t send him away because of you. This was already planned. They take him for a night once week or so. It helps them… with the whole Jesse thing, you know.”

All I get is a small nod. It’s a sore topic, I know, but I would like it more, if she said something about it. She never once mentioned Jesse after Seattle, only Tommy told me what happened. I knew it hurt her, and that she felt responsible. I wish she’d realize talking about traumatic things can actually help, and not always make the memory poisonous. 

“Hey, it’s late. What do you say we sleep some and talk more in the morning?” I hold out my hand to her, but she hesitates.

“It’s okay, I can take the couch again.”

It hurts. It hurt yesterday when she asked to sleep in the living room, alone. She gave her reasons and I respected them, but it hurt to be away from her, having the fear of the whole thing being just a dream when I wake up the next morning.

“Ellie,” I ask, pleadingly. I take her hand. Squeeze it a little. “It’s going to be okay. Please?”

She holds my gaze for a long moment and I can feel her hand starting to sweat a little. “…Okay.” 

We head up to the bedroom and I hand her a t-shirt with some pj shorts. She doesn’t say anything, just obediently takes her clothes off and starts putting the ones I gave on. As she does it I can’t take my eyes of her skinny body, she looks even smaller now than I remember. Her ribs are visible on her sides, and my eyes catch a big cut on her right side, above her hips. My hand mindlessly reaches out and traces the healed scar. Ellie stops and looks at it too, her eyes distant. After a minute she gently guides my hand away from it and pulls the shirt over her head. _God damn it_. I want that sadness to disappear from her face, even if just for a night. Maybe one day. 

We climb into bed and she faces away from me instantly. I let out a silent sigh. Well, at least she’s here. 

I roll to my side too, facing away from her. If she wants to have her distance for a while, fine, I can give it to her. The cold sensation in my chest doesn’t help, but I try to ignore it.

Then I feel slight pressure on my side, and I suspect a hand's weight is what I feel through the cover. Somehow its warmth manages to spread through my chest, and that suffocating void in it starts to thaw a little. I want to return the touch so badly. I’m afraid it would scare her off, though. I just shift back a bit, so she can wrap her arm around me if she wants to. 

She does, eventually. 

We sleep for a long time, and for once there are no dreams, or nightmares. 

Just peace. Calm. And the feeling of her body beside me. I hope it heals her like it does me. 

Tomorrow might be just as hard as today was. But at least she came back. And if she comes back tomorrow too, maybe that's enough.


	3. Home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dina welcomes her back. But what about the rest of Jackson? We'll see some glimpses of what Ellie might have to endure when she decides to return to the town. And how Dina fits in with the fight against guilt and regret.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song I listened to for this one is "Lying beast" by Run River North. 
> 
> (I think the line "I was the beast all alone in my hell" really fits Ellie throughout Part 2 in general, even if the general meaning of the song might differ form her situation.)

I wake up with the exact same thought in mind as I did the day before. Ellie.

_She really is back. Isn’t she? It was just a dream. No, it couldn’t have been. It was too real to be the work of my imagination. Maybe a clicker got me while I was asleep. Maybe this is my own personal purgatory, thinking every day she’s back, and then she’s not. Damn, I pulled my neck, it hurts a bit. I need to get going._

I stretch and my hand falls to the other empty side of the bed. There was someone sleeping there by the looks of the covers. Ellie was definitely here. Good. It wasn’t a dream.

Before I can get into the spiral of thoughts about ’where the hell is she’ again, I hear noises from downstairs. Has to be her. 

I get out of the bed, pull a sweater on top of my tank top pajama and head down the stairs. As I approach I hear metal clanking and Ellie muttering under her breath. The closer I get the more I can make out of it.

“Fucking… shit! God damn it, just come off of it you piece of-“, then she probably touches something hot, because the pan she’s been holding goes flying, and it lands with a loud rattle on the ground. “Fuck!” She probably wanted to yell that, but her voice is still low. Her eyes dart worriedly towards the stairs, where I stand now, and by the look on her face, she did not expect to see me there. “Oh, fuck.”

“What on earth is happening here?” I let out a short laugh.

Ellie throws her hands up in frustration, looking so awkward I can’t help but feel a wide smile stretch across my face. 

“Nothing! I wanted to make you breakfast. The damn thing got stuck on the stupid pan and I couldn’t get it off. I didn’t want to wake you up. But here you are so, good fucking job, me…”

“Breakfast?” I ask, raising my eyebrows. “Did you pick up cooking while you were away?” My girl was never famous for her cooking skills. 

She rolls her eyes and picks up the pan from the floor, throwing it into the kitchen sink with a huff. “Ha ha. No, I didn’t.” She looks down and mutters, ”But I wanted to make you some pancakes.”

“I didn’t know you knew how to make pancakes,” I just can’t stop messing with her as I inch next to the counter in the middle. She’s so damn cute. 

“I… I _don’t know_ how to make pancakes.” Her head falls in defeat and she exhales heavily. 

I can’t keep the laughter in me anymore, but I walk to her and hug her tightly as I shake with joy. “I love you so much, you dork.”

“I could have figured it out eventually, you know,” she murmurs, but I can feel her arms tighten around me and she kisses the hair above my ear. 

“You also could have set the kitchen on fire,” I say as I reach out with one hand behind her back and quickly turn off the still running electric stove. “I do appreciate the gesture though. I would have loved some pancakes for breakfast.”

“Great, add to the disappointment please,” she grunts, but I can hear in her voice that she’s smiling. 

“Hey, we can still make some. How about you let me help, huh?” I tease as I lean away from her to look her in the eyes. “Believe it or not, I needed help the first time I cooked something, too.”

“Yeah, sure,” she rolls her eyes again, but turns to the sink to clean the dirty pan. “Alright, let’s do it together. Boss lady.”

The witty remark I have prepared gets interrupted as I hear a knock on the front door.

“Dina! It’s Robert,” I hear the voice and walk towards it with a grin on my face.

“Good morning, Robert. Hey there, little guy,” I greet them and he hands me JJ with a nod. “I hope he slept well.”

“That he did, yes. I can’t complain about this little angel. Hell, whenever he’s over we both sleep better than usual. Thank you dear, again, for letting him stay over.”

“It’s really no problem,” I smile back. 

He keeps standing there, a bit awkwardly shifting from one foot to the other, as if he still has something on his mind.

“Is everything alright, Robert?”

“Yes! Yes, of course. I… I was just walking 'round in town yesterday afternoon and… I heard people talkin’. Some say they saw Ellie near the butcher that morning. I didn’t know what to make of it. Figured you’d know somethin’ ‘bout it perhaps.”

Since _I_ had issues believing that Ellie was really back, and didn’t really have time to digest it yet, it never actually crossed my mind that I had to let other people know. And boy, does it make the next couple of seconds real awkward now. 

“She is back. She’s _here_ , actually. She’s…” I don’t know how to put into words. Not ready yet? Doesn’t know how to handle being back? I’m not even sure myself, honestly. 

“Ah. I see,” he nods and keeps his chin up. “No need to explain, child. There is no rush from our side. Just please, let her know that whenever she’s ready, we’re here. And we would really like to see her again.”

My heart swells a little. Maybe Ellie isn’t as alone as she believes she is.

“I will. Thank you, Robert. It… it means a lot.”

He simply nods again and turns to leave. I walk back to the kitchen with JJ in my arm.

“The pan is as clean as a newborn, ready for round two, chef,” Ellie reports.

“You have a bad memory about newborns, doofus. How about we jog your memory a little bit?”

As soon as she sees JJ she slowly puts down the kitchenware and with a painful expression on her face walks towards us. “Holy shit… JJ. Damn. You’re getting so big, buddy.” 

I don’t say anything, just hand him over to her and watch as Ellie’s full attention is glued to the toddler. She missed him so much, I can tell. The way she’s examining his still tiny fingers, the slightly longer dark brown hair; his big, shiny eyes as they look up back at her. I swear, he recognizes her. He still can’t form proper words, but the few noises he makes turn Ellie’s wounded look into one of joy and wonder. 

“Potato, potato… my little baby potato…” I hear her hum ever so quietly, rocking JJ a little. She holds him close to her chest and my whole body fills up with warmth. _This_ is my family. Damn, I missed it so freaking much.

After many minutes of me silently watching them just being together again, Ellie sniffs a little and with an honest smile looks back at me, “Ready to make some breakfast, chef?” 

I step to her and kiss her lightly, but my whole heart is in it. I think she can tell.

“Let’s do it.”

\-------------------------------

We eat mostly in silence, the only sound is JJ occasionally laughing when Ellie is doing a face for him, or does an airplane move with her fork with a piece of pancake on it. First I did it, and she slowly took over the role of entertaining JJ, and I couldn’t be happier that she did.

She’d had no idea what she was doing when she’d tried ‘cooking’. Me ‘helping her’ making the pancakes consisted mostly of me doing the work or telling her specifically what to do. To her credit, she didn’t argue or complain, and was actually a fast learner. And it’s not like pancakes are rocket science, anyway. 

I smile as she tickles JJ a little and the uncontrollable laughter escapes the toddler like a contagious shockwave. The only reason I don’t laugh with my mouth open is because I was halfway swallowing a piece, and now it’s threatening to go down the wrong pipe. I cough a little and my eyes water, Ellie looks at me questioningly, “Do you need help?” But I just shake my head and go to the counter to grab a glass of water. 

Just when I’m about to pour it down my throat I hear knocks on the front door. It doesn’t even register for me that there’s no introduction following them. 

Ellie gets up from her seat and goes towards it, “I got it. You better not choke to death by the time I come back.”

Maybe it’s Robert, bringing something over for JJ. Or, trying to catch Ellie to talk to her. If that was his intention, he picked the perfect moment to come back.

I sit back down to the table and wait for a minute. I don’t hear anything for a while, but then quick footsteps rush towards the kitchen. My head snaps in the direction of Ellie storming back into the room. And she isn’t alone.

“You have got to be kidding me!” I hear Tommy’s voice as he limps in as fast as he is able to behind Ellie. “You found her, you had the opportunity in your hands to kill that son of a bitch, and you let her go?! What the hell is wrong with you, god damn it!”

I shoot up, positioning myself between the two of them instinctively. “Tommy, stop! What the hell?”

“I did what I had to do, Tommy,” Ellie says defensively, her head is bent down but her eyes are on him. Like a cornered dog. All of her warmth is gone and her expression is hardened. _Fucking Tommy._

“Like hell you did! When I heard that you left to go and find her after all, I thought yes, finally she knows what the right thing to do is here. To make her pay. Why else would you have left? Or did you forget over a couple of months what she took from us, huh? Do I need to remind you who Joel was?! How she beat him to death in front of us? Do I?!”

I’m about to lose my tempter and order Tommy to get the fuck out of my house, when I see that something in Ellie snaps. She slams her fist onto the marble kitchen countertop and grinds her teeth viciously. 

“You mean to say in front of _me_? You were unconscious the whole fucking time. Don’t you dare bring that up… You have no idea what that was like. You don’t have his bashed in skull imprinted in your mind like I do, so shut the fuck up!” 

I don’t know what makes me start shaking. The things she says are harsh enough, but her tone, that look in her eyes… This nightmare will never end for her. My heart drops and I feel sick. 

Tommy is taken aback by her too, his mouth is hung open and he’s visibly shocked. _Good. What the hell is he thinking?_

“Look,” Ellie continues, still clenching her hand on the countertop. Her voice is low, trembling. “I went because I couldn’t let it go, either. I almost lost Dina, and JJ and my whole life… who I am, as a person, _because_ I went. I was ready to give everything up. Because I wanted release. And redemption. Because I never told him that I forgive him. Or that I loved him. But Abby could never have given that to me. Or to you. Only Joel could have, and he is _gone_ , Tommy. Whatever we do, whoever we kill, he will be gone, and there’s nothing we can do to change that. Nothing will make his absence feel any lighter.” I can see most of the anger and frustration evaporating from her as she lets it all out. And all that remains, is pure sadness. “You have to… you’ve gotta find a way too to let him rest, Tommy. He wouldn’t want you to lose everything because of him. We’ve lost enough already.”

He doesn’t say anything. It might just be the result of my bias, but I translate the look on his face as one of disgust. He straightens his posture and holds his chin up. “You have no idea what I lost. And what you took from me by sparing her.”

Without waiting for a reply Tommy turns around and hobbles out. I’m not stopping him, and as Ellie’s head drops in pain, I can tell she doesn’t want this conversation to continue either.

I don’t know what to do. Whether she wants physical comfort right now or space. I try to think about the old days, when she would seek my closeness on harder days. Even before we got together. 

I slowly walk to her, giving her every possibility to stop me, or step away if she wants to deal with this alone. She doesn’t do either of those things, so I cautiously bring my arms up and around her, tenderly offering a hug that she can take if she needs it.

She does, excruciatingly slowly, but once she’s in the embrace, Ellie breaks down. 

Her sobs are silent, but she shakes vehemently against me, and all I can think of doing is just to let her. Let her unleash wave after wave of suppressed emotions - regret, and bottled up pain that she had tried to channel through rage and retribution. I know it won’t mean that she’s free of these emotions from now on. But at least it can give her some sort of relief. Even if just for a moment. 

Her tears take a long time to stop, but I’m glad. I keep rubbing her back and hold her long after she finishes and we stay in the embrace like it’s the only safe place on this planet. Maybe it is.

Eventually, she leans away from me and presses her forehead to mine. “What would I do without you…”

If only she knew how many times I had to ask myself that, and not in a hypothetical way. 

“If it’s up to me, you’ll never have to find out.” 

I kiss her and she kisses back, without any rush or urgency. We enjoy the warmth of each other’s mouths, the gentle dance of our tongues and the taste and scent of the other. It’s calming like a lullaby, and even though it takes a long time after, Ellie’s smile returns eventually. The hint of sadness remains, but it’s a start.

\-------------------------

Three days passed. Ellie finally met Robert and they welcomed her with open arms. She was not prepared for it, and was awkward the whole time, but she went through with it. They said they are there for her whatever she needed. I think she appreciated it more than she was able to show. 

As a gesture of my appreciation, I asked them to look after JJ tonight again. They jumped on the opportunity with joy.

It didn't take long after they left with JJ, and we ended up in bed with Ellie. Not like I was planning on it. I think we both craved each other desperately. And honestly? It’s a miracle it took us almost a whole week after reuniting to have sex. I didn’t want to push her in any way, not know what she needed exactly in her situation. I knew I was ready the first night, but she asked for distance then. Today, when after a long make out session she led me upstairs with her intentions clear in her eyes, I felt a missing piece of my life finally fall back into place. 

Enjoying the blissful afterglow in her arms, I look up at her freckled face with a smile. “Good to know some skills you can never forget.”

She glances at me, an impish grin spreading over her likewise spent expression. “I am the sheet master.”

“Sheet master?” I frown, snorting, “That’s the best you can come up with?”

“What? I’m doing great, and we are between the sheets! It’s fitting! Don’t you give me that smirk,” she laughs and tickles me until I yield.

“Alright, alight! It’s spot on, you’re the sheet master, and I bow down to your powers.”

Her giggles are followed by light kisses on my face. She sobers a bit to say, “Have to say you haven’t lost your touch either.”

“Hmm, I’m glad to hear that. But I guess, in this situation _you_ should be glad I haven't.”

“Oh, I am. I am…” and she kisses me deeply again. 

I wondered the day when Tommy was here if we’d ever have easy days again. Not the way we would forget every bad thing that ever happened to us. But just less heavy moments, like this day. When things are okay. When she’s here, and her smile is honest, and when she says she loves me and won’t ever leave again, I feel a little lighter. Just for an hour. Or for a day, if we’re lucky. 

Today proves me that it’s possible. We can be happy. I’ll never stop fighting for these minutes of bliss. And judging by the look on her face now when I take her cheeks in my hand and stare deep in her eyes, she won’t stop fighting for us, either.

“I love you,” I breathe and I know I’ve been saying it more frequently lately than maybe I should have, but I just feel a need to say it again. And again. And again. 

“I love you too. And I missed you. So, so much.”

As I feel my eyes get heavy, I let one last thought form in my mind, before Ellie's warmth cradles me to sleep. Life is hard. Hell, we both experienced just how much. But it’s worth living. Even if people we love die. Even we end up being the last of us. It's all worth it in the end. 

And with that I drift into a dreamless slumber, ready to face whatever tomorrow brings with her by my side.


End file.
